Being One with God in Shepherding Our Children
Messages for the Perfecting of Parents — "Shepherding Children" Series
Message Two
I. Our Vision — Christ as the Children's Unique Inheritance; God's Economy as the Children's Highest Career; the New Jerusalem as the Children's Ultimate Goal; the Firstfruits as the Children's Most Honorable Reward
1. Christ is the children's unique inheritance.
Our God Himself is our inheritance — on the earth we have no inheritance. Even if we have one, we know that one day it will pass away; only the Lord whom we love and His church abide forever, and only the Christ wrought into us abides forever.
Hallelujah! He is our wealth, He is our life, He is our stable dwelling-place. With Christ we have rest; with Christ we have joy; with Christ we feel honored; with Christ everything seems to be no problem. Christ is also our children's unique inheritance.
On the one hand, we really have nothing we can give our children; on the other hand, in our children's lives we hope to leave something behind, to pass on something to them. Yet the more we go on, the more we feel that the only thing we can give, the only thing that abides forever, the only thing of eternal value, is Christ Himself — and of course His word.
So we parents must do all we can to leave our children a great set of spiritual books and publications, including the Recovery Version in both Chinese and English. These gradually become their reward, segment by segment, given to them in stages. In our home, we two parents have one set of The Collected Works of Watchman Nee; our son and daughter are even greater than we are — each of them has his own set of The Collected Works of Watchman Nee. What we are able to give them is just this. Joyfully, my eldest is very thirsty — she is able to firmly and persistently pursue one volume of spiritual literature after another. She has asked me several times: "Daddy, I have finished reading the books you assigned; please assign me some more." Our children's extracurricular homework, in our home, is this: every time they finish reading a spiritual book, they must write a report.
Sometimes when they misbehave, the discipline we give is to require them to read a spiritual book and write a report. Don't underestimate children — the reports they write are very accurate, very to the point, and they even pull out the essence of every chapter. What can we give our children? Even the discipline must be Christ given to them; Christ must become their unique inheritance.
2. God's economy is the children's highest career.
Many who never themselves became doctors hope their children will become doctors; many who never had a house themselves hope their children will become bosses of construction companies; many also hope their children will inherit the father's profession. This is not a matter of good or bad — the question is, what, for our children, has lifelong value, what will leave them with no regret throughout their whole life — that is what we should boast in. On the earth there is only one career like this, and that is God's economy. To dispense Christ, to spread the truth, to build up the Body of Christ, to bring forth a new man, to be Christ's bride, to become His army, to bring Him back, and to bring in the New Jerusalem in the kingdom — this is the highest career for our children.
Even when your child preaches the gospel, even when he brings one little friend to the children's meeting (er-tong-pai), he is already participating in this highest career, having a part in God's economy. He can serve well in the children's meeting; the intercession, supply, and support he gives in the meeting all let him have a part in the career of God's economy. His prophesying in the Lord's Day meeting has value into eternity. When are children most like a God-man? — When they have a part in this highest career, they are most like a God-man. Do not underestimate children — this career is not something they only get to share in the future; from this day forward and into eternity our children can have a part in the career of God's economy.
When I was first in college I was somewhat like a full-timer, because my time was packed full. In those days we had meetings of every size; I once counted twenty-two meetings in a single week — what glory! Yet that was not as glorious as now; now it is even more glorious! In those days I really did love to serve Him; I took serving the Lord as my joy.
When I was working — I was at the provincial government — I had only just started, and not long after I resolutely walked away, because I could not bear to give my whole heart and time to anything but the Lord. Of course it is not only full-timers who can have a part in the career of God's economy; all of you sitting here are full-timers, all having a part in the career of God's economy. Only that, being so weak as I am, inwardly I felt joy, excitement, glory — and so was willing to spend resolutely every hour upon God's economy. Looking back along this road, I have no regret — I only feel that time and strength are more and more inadequate, but inwardly I am filled with joy, solidity, and a magnanimous freedom; truly I sense the Lord's compassion!
I beg the Lord to cover me as I say: "For many years I have rarely felt that I have done anything for Him; for I always feel that someone like me, that I should even be able to serve Him, is a marvel." If I were not serving Him, to whom would I give my time? If I were not serving Him, to whom would I give my strength? If I were not serving Him, to whom would I give my wisdom? Where exactly should I spend my life? If today I can crawl forward to serve my Lord, if I can have any part in His economy, it is all His compassion. I am no more than the chief of sinners; I have absolutely nothing to boast of.
Today perhaps we have spent a little strength, perhaps we feel rather weary, but I beg the Lord's pardon as I say: "I scarcely feel I have done anything for Him; I do not know what I am able to give Him; I do not even know what I have already given Him." All that we can do is given by Him: the breath is given by Him, the oil of service is given by Him, the word is given by Him, the timely supply is given by Him, every gleam of light is given by Him. Apart from being weak — yet still weak — as long as we do not trample on God's economy, we can be overcomers. Inwardly I only feel that for someone like me to be able to serve Him is truly His high lifting up. Although I sometimes meet a little setback, inside I always say to myself: "Brother Chen, you are blessed enough; do not begrudge any of it!"
Brothers and sisters, do you not yet feel you are blessed enough? Even one little setback is no more than two words from the saints, or one rebuke from the elders. We are already blessed! That we can give a little of our heart and strength to coordinate with Him, that we can touch the edge of God's economy at all — we are already blessed enough; we who originally were not worthy of any of it.
Thank the Lord — my hope for our children is not that they would attain some high success in this world, nor that they would enjoy more comforts; my unique hope is that they would take God's economy as their highest career. I cannot help but desire that they would be like me — pour all their heart, time, and strength into Christ, into His eternal economy.
Brothers and sisters, if we wish to seek the children's blessing, please remember: "the children's unique career is God's economy." The career that, when they reach eternity and look back over it all, brings no regret — that is this highest career. To bring one person to salvation that abides forever; to lead one children's meeting (er-tong-pai) that abides forever; to build up the Body of Christ to abide forever; to prophesy for the Lord that abides forever; to be blended-and-built-up to abide forever — this is their unique career.
3. The New Jerusalem is the children's ultimate goal.
We hope that our children will not take graduation as a goal; nor take some great career as a goal; nor take a comfortable life as a goal — but rather, take the New Jerusalem as their goal. What is "the New Jerusalem"? — She is the eternal counterpart of the Triune God with the tripartite corporate man. This is the children's ultimate goal — that they may have a portion in this counterpart in eternity. We are His tabernacle; He is our temple; He and we, we and He, become a mutual abode. The meaning of "abode" is the rest, satisfaction, and expression of the One who dwells. So your home becomes your rest, your home becomes your satisfaction, your home becomes your expression. Our children's unique goal, their ultimate goal, is to be a mutual abode with God. God is to be our temple — we are to serve God, and to dwell in Him forever; we are to be a part of His tabernacle, that God might find rest and satisfaction in us.
How glorious! The New Jerusalem is the unique golden lampstand in eternity; God is the light, Christ is the lamp, and we are the stand that shines Him forth, that bears Him up to express Him. Each of us is like a lampstand — but we are not a stand expressing the Devil; our ultimate is the eternal golden lampstand. If you take the New Jerusalem as the ultimate goal, your love for the Lord will be different; your enjoyment of Him will be different; your expression of Him will be different; your relationship with the brothers and sisters will be different. We must quickly resolve hatred — for the New Jerusalem cannot be entered with hatred. We must also quickly resolve every problem of the world, for the New Jerusalem is the testimony of pure gold — pure to the point that not a trace of the world can remain in her. Thank the Lord — if we take this as our ultimate goal, our life is not the same as others'; we will not be calculating the joys of this present world, but instead will pay attention to all that is for eternity.
4. The firstfruits are the children's most honorable reward.
The New Jerusalem has two stages — one is the New Jerusalem in eternity, and one is the New Jerusalem in the kingdom age. The latter is composed of the overcomers throughout history, and is a glorious bride. For the sake of this we hope to be the firstfruits — that is, a company of those raptured who directly satisfy God and Christ — the overcomers. So to be the firstfruits is the children's most honorable reward. Our children's lifelong striving is not for the Nobel Prize, nor for the title of celebrated violinist, but for being the firstfruits, this most honorable reward. From a very young age our children have often prayed: "Lord, I want to be an overcomer; I do not want to be put away into outer darkness, where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth." I believe the Lord has heard their prayer; though I do not yet dare say whether they look like overcomers, being an overcomer is their goal. I have no memory of having to pray for their salvation, because they were saved long ago; what I am pursuing now is the firstfruits.
Today the Lord will not come back too quickly. Even with famines, plagues, calamities, deaths, and earthquakes, all this is but preliminary signs. Do not believe in those prophecies, those Bible codes, those crystal-ball predictions — none of them is reliable. Know this: the Lord said that concerning the day of His coming, no one knows, not even He Himself, only the Father. I very much believe that the day of the Lord's coming will be a day outside of all such prophecies. Whatever men may prophesy, even with famines, plagues, and earthquakes, do not lightly believe the Lord will return on that account; for the only thing that will really cause Him to return is our prepared bride. If the bride is not yet prepared, if the new man cannot yet be manifested on earth, if the Body of Christ has not yet been built up, if the Lord's testimony has not yet reached every inhabited place — the Lord will not, cannot, return. So we are not merely a company waiting for the Lord to return. On the one hand, we are waiting for Him; but on the other hand, if we are only waiting for Him, that would be very dangerous.
The Lord is going to return — but the most glorious thing is to cause Him to return, to bring Him back, to return with Him. The Lord needs first to gain on the earth a universal new man, the universal bride-army; then, after the three-and-a-half years of the great tribulation, He will rapture the late overcomers, will resolve the world's problems; then at the end of those three-and-a-half years Christ together with His overcomers will come down to earth to deal with this world, save the people of Israel, set up the judgment seat, and bring in the millennium. Who will lead Him into His parousia — who will bring Him back? — A company of overcomers, those overcomers who together will be built up into the Body of Christ; they will be raptured to be united in marriage with Him, become His bride-army, and will return with Him. So we are not just sitting and waiting — those who do not overcome can only wait there.
Brothers and sisters, may we not be only waiting for Him to return, but be causing Him to return, drawing Him back, bringing Him back, returning with Him — to bring this age to a close. May your child be in this company; may you and I have a part in it as well. Brothers and sisters, if you can have such a vision regarding your children, if you see "the firstfruits is the children's most honorable reward," you really are blessed. If we see this vision, we know how to lead our children, also how to shepherd them, and how to discipline them.
II. Our Reminder — We Do Not Belong to This World, Nor Cling to the World's Currents
This is the other side. We need to remind one another that we do not belong to this world, nor do we cling to the world's currents. If the four visions just spoken of are our goal, then we ought to know that this world should not become our pursuit. This world is full of deceptions for men — deceiving men into the dissolute torrent. This world has done one thing for the Lord: it has nailed the Lord we love to the cross. That is what the world has done, both to God and to men. Therefore, since we do not belong to this world, neither will we cling to its currents. The world's currents will keep developing — but the more they develop, the more they rush headlong toward perdition. We do not belong to this world, and we do not grasp on to the world's currents.
1. The world is passing away, and its lust, but he who does the will of God abides forever — 1 John 2:17
1 John 2:17 — And the world is passing away, and its lust, but he who does the will of God abides forever.
When we speak of God's economy, when we speak of our hope for the children, we ought also to know that behind it all is an enemy — an enemy who has incarnated himself as the world. How many have the world deceived? — we do not know. How many has it brought down to sin and to death? — we do not know. How many of our children has it influenced? — we cannot say. How many children's-meeting children, in their childhood years, were so precious and so pure — yet by the time they reach junior high, they have changed.
The world has been all along devouring our children. It begins, perhaps, with friends inviting them out to wander the streets; after a while, having seen too much in the shop windows, they start asking Daddy for money; then they buy more and more fashionable things, becoming more and more worldly, until they have a girlfriend; gradually their feelings turn into lust; lust develops into sin — and they have left God's economy, left this pure testimony.
Of course, the Lord is able to recover all of them; but to repair what has been broken once requires enormous labor. So from the very outset we must not yield even a second of time, even a coin's worth, of carelessness — the slip of an inch is the gap of a thousand miles. We may think it is no great matter for our child to receive a love-letter from a classmate of the opposite sex. We may think it is no problem for our child to find penpals on the internet. We may think it is no harm to wander the streets occasionally. But we do not realize: this world is operating, attracting.
Today, it is not only outside that the world is found — today the enemy has already moved the world into our home. Just about every kind of worldly entertainment you might want has already been moved into your home. So we deeply sigh — for we originally thought, "a little will not matter" — and by the time we discover something is wrong, we are already a thousand miles off. For this reason we ought to remind one another: we do not belong to this world.
Once my own daughter wanted to take part in a summer "self-strengthening" activity. This made us think very carefully — for as the children grow up they need some experience and outlet. But, please forgive me — the moment I looked at the activity, I knew what was inside it. My daughter, with her heart set on the Lord (always so pure), really did love the Lord, but as a high-school student it was natural that she would want to take part in such activities.
I am certainly not saying these activities are bad as such; but I am saying that the moment you look at them, you know there will be much contact between boys and girls. The child does not yet sense the seriousness of it; she also feels we are making a fuss over nothing — and we let her go. I prayed with her, asking the Lord to bless and protect her. She had been gone less than a day when she telephoned and said: "Mom, I want to come home." I asked her what had happened, and she said she had had to shake hands with several boys, and she was very uneasy in her heart, very lacking in peace, and wanted to come home immediately. On the one hand, we were inwardly comforted — the child is still pure; on the other hand, when she came back she said: "Daddy, how did you know all of this?" I just smiled. As to this world, do we not know the schemes of Satan?
What does this world give you? — A "self-strengthening" activity, if there are no boys and girls together, no one will sign up. If that kind of pleasure is taken away, who would sign up? These earthly activities always slowly draw people into lust. From the time I entered college as a civil-engineering major, the system had very few girls; in fact my class had not a single girl, so we used to hold joint parties with another department.
At the time I felt that I should be in there with them, that I should not stay aloof, so I joined the singing and the ballgames. Then there was one program — they called me down. I went down, and they said: each person was to hold a piece of bamboo in his mouth, and pass who-knows-what to the next person. One person demonstrated it once. I went up too — and finally, after watching for a while, I understood what was going on. The Lord's compassion let me realize what kind of thing it was, and I returned to my seat. After a while, when they turned out the lights to dance, I left.
The world is not only entangling us now; it was the same when we were young — and I do not know what about this generation can yet be turned for the better. At that time I was already very weighed down. I would rather have been a friend of tax collectors and sinners, condescending to them. But my point is here: this is what this world is; my daughter tried it once, and finally she knew. Thank the Lord for His keeping.
2. As were the days of Noah, so men were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, planting and building.
Do not too much hope that our children will get away from the world, as if that alone would settle everything. We need a strong defense — but the defense is not just an external defense; the important thing is the inner defense. We want our children to have a strong spirit, an enhanced enjoyment of the Lord, a strong attraction to the Lord; to be filled with the Lord's holy disposition; to the point that they can discern what is the world. We want them to have a sensitive conscience, that they will not delight in darkness, in death, and in sin. For this world and its lust are passing away; only he who does the will of God abides forever.
As were the days of Noah, so will be the days of the coming of the Son of Man. In the days of Noah, men were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, planting and building — and today's days are exactly the same. I went to Indonesia — there has been continual unrest. I had thought the previous unrest was over, but later I found unrest never stopped, and even commerce had become depressed. Only the restaurants were not depressed. It is not a question of whether restaurants are good or bad — but it was very strange to me how many people were still going to the restaurants. Everyone was saying that recently property values had automatically dropped by five-sixths — if you had sixty million in assets, without anyone stealing, they shrank to ten million; by rights people should have been very strapped for money. Restaurants are, after all, an extra beyond daily living; of course most people only need to go occasionally — that is understandable. But when I saw the restaurants so full of people, I truly felt it was something to marvel at, because the economy of Indonesia was already so depressed; the food supply was running so short, even rice had to be imported from abroad. Because there was unrest, men did not produce; the land was wasted. What a pity! But it was very strange that the great restaurants were full of people. This is the eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, planting and building of this generation. Brothers and sisters, we need to pray often, that the Lord may keep our children separate from this. I tell you, this is no small matter — the slip of an inch is the gap of a thousand miles.
3. Consider our calling — there are not many wise according to flesh, not many powerful, not many wellborn, but God has chosen — 1 Cor. 1:26–27
1 Cor. 1:26 — For consider your calling, brothers, that there are not many wise according to flesh, not many powerful, not many wellborn. 1 Cor. 1:27 — But God has chosen the foolish things of the world that He might shame those who are wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world that He might shame the things that are strong,
Thank the Lord! We must be a separated people. Consider our calling, brothers — there are not many wise according to flesh, not many powerful, not many wellborn — but God has chosen. Hallelujah! We are not the powerful; we are not the wise; we are not the wellborn — but God has chosen us. The defining trait of this world is to compare ability, compare birth, compare position, compare wisdom; but thank the Lord, we who may have nothing of these things in the world's eyes have received mercy. For this mercy, we thank the Lord. The names you have given your children are all very fine — they are all names of overcomers. Now you must walk with each of these children through home meetings; and one day the Lord will surely keep them out of this world. They will be a class of those who come out from among men, the firstfruits, who are redeemed unto God and the Lamb.
III. The Children's Traits — Vessels Close to God's Original Creation
1. The spirit is responsive — to touch God, to receive God, to contain God — 2 Tim. 1:3–5
2 Tim. 1:3 — I thank God, whom I serve from my forefathers in a pure conscience, while unceasingly I have remembrance concerning you in my petitions night and day, 2 Tim. 1:4 — Longing to see you, remembering your tears, that I may be filled with joy; 2 Tim. 1:5 — Having been reminded of the unfeigned faith in you, which dwelt first in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice, and I am persuaded dwells also in you.
2. The understanding is opened — 2 Tim. 3:15
2 Tim. 3:15 — And that from a babe you have known the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise unto salvation through the faith which is in Christ Jesus.
3. The deeds are clean — manifesting their nature — Prov. 20:11
Prov. 20:11 — Even a child makes himself known by his deeds, Whether his work is pure and whether it is upright.
4. The heart is easily entangled by foolishness — they are descendants of Adam, they are the expression of Adam, they live out Adam easily — Prov. 22:15
Prov. 22:15 — Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; But the rod of correction will drive it far from him.
5. Simple — easily receive the truth, simple, not complicated, not skeptical.
In God's creation, man has spirit, soul, and body — three parts. At the beginning, this vessel was pure; all its functions were for God. God made the human spirit in order that man might receive God, contact God, contain God, and be filled with God. God made the human soul — so that man would have a mind, emotion, and will. The mind is for apprehending God; the emotion is for loving God; the will is for choosing God and being subject to Him. The human body is for the soul to enjoy God by all things, and to carry out God through the body. Thus all of man's members and all his parts are for God to fill and to express.
But this vessel of man has more and more degenerated, until he became a vessel of unrighteousness. Thank the Lord — while our children are still small, the earlier we lead them, the earlier we perfect them, the earlier we transmit Christ into them — surely this is right. Do not for a moment worry that a child is too small to understand; do not over-emphasize prior knowledge. Among us there are many who came up through the children's meeting — many of them know the doctrine but lack the practical experience. Yet do not say so — those who can grow up among us all bear the Lord's compassion. The important thing is — the smaller the child, the less his fall has developed; the more the vessel can be filled with God. So in shepherding our children, the earlier the better.
Whether the child is in his earliest years, or whether he has already entered junior or senior high school, these points are exactly the same. Truly believe — do not say that when the child was small, he seemed to have a certain look, but now that he is bigger, that look is hard to find any more. No! The longer they grow, the more they grow into that look. So between high-school students and junior-high students and small children — what really differs? — Points 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 are all developing; the largest difference is point 4. In adolescence, especially in junior high, this point becomes especially enlarged. The other points are also growing, but in proportion they shrink. Why? — A three-year-old is still very lovely; he has three years of Adam in him, but also three years of Christ in him. By the time he passes twelve, Adam has grown up. The substance of Adam is gradually concretized in the child, becoming standard Adam. When he is small, the substance of Adam was just being formed in him, not yet hardened; but by the time he is twelve, it is concretized; it has hardened. He has his own opinions; his words, his learning — almost the entire suite of Adam. However corrupted Adam is, he has now absorbed it, made it real in his body — how to scold, how to resist, how to mock, how to bully others — all has been concretized.
Through the years, having been educated within this earthly sphere, the substance of Adam grows in us at high speed; the spirit and the life are often slower, and only by the age of twelve do they get distinguished. We discover, strange — why is it that at twelve, thirteen, fourteen the child becomes so peculiar? Although when he was small he had also been a little disobedient, his spirit and his life had been growing; his independence was not yet strong, and so when reproved, he easily submitted. But by this age, that does not come so easily, because he has by now his own independent thinking. His independent thinking has been formed by twelve years of earthly baptism, by the conditioning the world has given him.
Beyond this, the child's body is also bigger and bigger. On one side, his spirit is very keen; he knows whether his parents are in the spirit, whether they have Christ, whether they are convincing. By this age, it has become very hard for us as parents to make our children submit. For when, in the past, we said anything, the children did not understand; but now that the children have grown up, they discover their dad and mom are not so much in the spirit either, and slowly they cease to submit. At this point all sides combine, and yet he still does not know how to restrain himself.
By high school, he begins slowly to restrain himself. But the time of being willing to restrain is also a more dangerous time — because his thinking, his entire makeup, has built itself into a fortress — not necessarily letting any other in. But on the other side: junior high is the most teachable time, because he has not yet built his walls; whatever he is unhappy about, it all bursts out, everything is laid open — that is his great-flesh state. What do you do? In fact, this is also a very good time to help him.
I want again to remind brothers and sisters: do you believe your child has a spirit? — a spirit that has been made alive, a spirit mingled with the Spirit. Do you believe he has discernment in spiritual things? Do you believe he loves the Lord? I have full assurance — children love the Lord. All of you sitting here today are righteous people; they are descendants of righteous people; ten-thousand percent I have the assurance — they love the Lord. But this age is not simple, because they are at the crossroads. On one side, a measure of world has been built up in them, and there are many enticements outside, so it is easy to be drawn. On one side, in the home they slowly feel the attraction of Christ not so strongly any more. Of course they know that to follow the Lord is right; but they cannot see how following the Lord can give much joy, much taste, much glory — they only feel it is a duty. So at this fork in the road, much depends on how we discipline.
IV. The Practice of Disciplining Our Children
Of course, we still need to discipline; but never forget — discipline is part of shepherding. The discipline must come out of shepherding; if there is no shepherding, there should be no discipline.
1. Find out the children's traits — especially the new-creation traits — with appropriate encouragement, praise, and affirmation.
"A child grows up in his parents' valuing." For a child to be able to grow up healthily, parents must practice eternally hoping over the child, always full of the new-creation valuing of the child. If we can find out the child's traits, then we will know how to develop those traits. If he loves to prophesy, we will know how to strengthen him, that he may love prophesying still more; if he loves to read, we will know how to strengthen him, that he may love reading still more; if he loves to read the Bible — all the traits in him become the basis on which we help him grow in life. And on the basis of this valuing of him, our discipline will not be excessive, will not fall into discipline rooted in despair; on the contrary, we will always feel there is eternal hope.
Especially to be noted is affirming the child; do not be skeptical. The most heartbreaking thing for a child is the parents' lack of affirmation. For example, the child does not want to study; the parents are weary of him; one day the child sets himself to read in earnest, and the parents say with a doubting tone: "Are you really studying?" — at that, the child throws down the book and reads no more. The child had thought, "I want to study now," but the moment he hears the parents' tone, he knows they have no faith in him; this deflates the child's heart. Sometimes a child will not love the Lord, but once he begins to love the Lord, the parents instead say, "You sound just like the real thing." — and the child says, "All right — I will not read it any more." This is just what Ephesians calls provoking the children to anger. Toward the children we must constantly practice affirmation.
2. Managing children means entering into their hearts — sense their nature; do not merely govern outward conduct.
When a Chinese family receives guests, our notion is generally the same: get the children out of the way. But children love it when guests come over; the moment guests arrive, they go a little wild — what we call "the people-have-come-frenzy" (ren-lai-feng). So as soon as a guest comes, the children begin performing. Whatever we usually try to teach them to sing they would not sing; but the moment guests arrive, without anyone telling them, they start singing of themselves. Yet our notion is to chase the children away. The Chinese family's emphasis on ethical decorum is too heavy, and as a result we ignore the children's nature.
The child loves company, loves the brothers and sisters coming over; because he loves it, he wants to perform — and this is the time we usually drive the child back into his room. Truly we wound their hearts. So smart parents always let them perform a little; spending only a few minutes; once the performance is done, pat them on the head, assure them they will quietly help entertain the guests, then let them go back into the bedroom. This is so lovely. If you understand his nature — if you let him perform — in the future he will be the treasure of the church life: he gets along with everybody, because he is able to receive anyone, any kind of person.
In ordinary household life it is the same — pay attention to their nature. Sometimes Mommy is cooking, and the child says, "I want to cook too." Every mother knows: when you are working in the kitchen, your fire is up — you do not want anyone disturbing you. Of course, we know that if a child cooks, vegetables fly out of the wok. But the moment Mommy says, "Don't move," a few times like that and the child no longer cares about the kitchen — and you have lost a powerful helper, and the church life will suffer for it. No matter! Let him cut a few pieces of meat; no matter, just don't let him cut his fingers; or let him stir-fry a few times — vegetables flying out, no matter; pick them up. If you can teach him, give him a little praise, he will progress, and afterward he will become your love-feast helper. Pay attention to his nature — do not be impatient; if he loves to receive guests, let him receive guests. (Of course, when he is still very small, do not let him receive guests with glass cups — give him cups that cannot break no matter how they fall; and let him serve.)
In every household do not forget — once the second child is born, mind the heart of the first child. Daddy has always insisted that he is the most loved, that he is the jewel of the household — and Daddy has said, "You are my one and only treasure," one hundred times over. Then the second child is born — and suddenly Mommy is heard to say to the second child: "You are my one and only treasure." The big one says, "Hug me!" — even at twenty-five kilos he still wants to be hugged. At that moment Mommy usually says, "Don't you know my hand is going numb? — and you still want to be hugged!" The big one is angry; he cannot find an outlet for his anger; so he targets the little one. By the time you come back from cooking the dinner, the little one has a bruise on his face, because the big one had nowhere else to take his revenge.
At that time you should hug the big one and comfort him — and he will be satisfied. He himself does not really like always being on you — three minutes later, since he is satisfied, he will get down off you and ask if there is anything he can help you with — and so he becomes your vital partner; otherwise, he becomes a rebel. This whole matter rests on how we view their nature; do not merely govern their outward conduct. Sometimes the eldest does not have many demands — he just hopes that the love is not all given to the second; give a little of the love to him, let him have a portion — just a little is enough — and he will be willing to be ox or horse to serve this household.
3. Be fair, just, and impartial.
In treating our children, our suggestion is to avoid different treatment. Sometimes we feel the older one ought to give way to the younger, but it depends on the older one's capacity. If he has the capacity, we may teach him so. But if the ages are too close, and the older one does not have that capacity, be fair, just, and impartial.
When my own two children were both at home, I paid careful attention; for whoever came to our house, naturally he would see either the son or the daughter and would praise. I knew they could divide their attention — they could read studiously while keeping an ear toward the living room. The moment a guest said, "Your daughter receives guests so well," I would immediately say, "My son also is not bad," — because I knew he was listening from his bedroom; you must be fair with both. If I praised only the daughter for receiving guests well, things would go badly afterwards: the son would begin to be angry, and as soon as he came out he would start a quarrel with his sister.
So we have repeatedly noticed: for instance, in their schoolwork — when the older brother is doing well, before we have even started talking about the schoolwork, the daughter would say: "Are you saying my schoolwork is not as good as my brother's?" Children are very sensitive — and that sensitivity is not in itself wrong; they simply hope to receive equal respect, equal love. We in the church should be the same — to the brothers and sisters we should not have favoritism; we should have an impartial love.
4. In management, righteousness and love must walk together — with both reward and correction.
"With love there must also be righteousness; in management there must also be love." Some homes are too righteous and short on love — and the rebellion stays in the child's heart, until one day, when he grows up, it explodes. Some homes have love but no righteousness — and that love is not real love; over-indulgence is not a healthy thing. Whatever the child wants is given to him — that is also not very good. We must have both love and righteousness. We need to make our children grow up as a sanctified people. The particular suggestion to brothers and sisters is: with both reward and correction — and let the reward be a little more than the correction.
Our Lord has set up the judgment seat — proving that He has both reward and correction for all His children. If one cannot pass through, he must abide in the thousand-year darkness; if one passes through, he has the thousand-year wedding feast, the thousand-year wedding-life enjoyment. I very much believe that on that day every one of us will pass through the judgment seat one by one; those who pass through will become a part of the bride and have a portion in the New Jerusalem of the kingdom — that is, will pass through the judgment seat into the kingdom's glory. We, one by one, if we mercifully pass through, will inwardly have a deep sense: the Lord's reward to us is far, far beyond His correction of us.
Our Lord is not merely one of reward and correction — His reward far surpasses His correction. At least from my own experience over the past twenty-some years I can say: The Lord's reward to me far exceeds the Lord's correction to me. As for management — I admit His light has often shone, His rebukes have been many; but I also admit that, weighing it again and again, the Lord's reward to me has been too much, too much; correction? — just a little.
Brothers and sisters, look at our discipline of our children — once we discipline a child, our correction usually outweighs our reward by far. In our eyes we usually only see the child's fault, and we often think only of correcting him; once the child improves a little, we have no reward for him. If there is a judgment seat in the universe, please remember your home should also have a judgment seat. Moreover, the judgment seat in the universe rewards more than it corrects; in our home it should be the same — at least the reward and the correction should be equal. You say put things back in their place; he does not put them back, you correct him; but when he does put it back, you cannot say "that was just what you should have done" — we should also reward. The reward is not a matter of how much money: a bottle of fruit-yogurt drink is a reward; a single word of praise is a reward.
My point is: "Are your reward and correction in balance?" This is a very critical point. Why does a child rebel by a certain age? — We discover that it is usually because correction has overrun reward; and that is the unequal treatment. Once a child does even a little bit better, no praise comes. He himself knows he has improved a little; but the parents do not see it, they do not feel it — and after long enough he simply gives up improving, since the parents will neither know nor care anyway. How easily we provoke our children. According to the Bible there is a judgment seat; according to the truth there ought to be both reward and correction; do not be afraid to correct, but be afraid not to reward enough.
5. Be willing to confess your fault to the children.
We always have to make a beginning — and what we want is to be willing to practice confessing our fault to the children. This is not easy, but if we want to manifest God before our children, we need to practice this; this is a manifestation of living in the light.
6. Have lasting confidence and hope toward your children — they love the Lord.
Our children are promised by the Lord; their salvation is the Lord's promise; their being formed is the Lord's promise — and so we should have eternal hope toward our children. In the matter of our treatment of them, never speak words of hopelessness. Never say: "You are really stupid!" — this must be avoided. We had better speak words of hope, because the Lord within us is the God who gives men hope.
7. Appropriate discipline — when the children are in turmoil, do not confront flesh with flesh; once the children are calm, instruct them and lead them in confession-prayer.
Children sometimes are unreasonable, becoming what in Taiwanese is called "sheng-fan" (a little wild thing) — at such times, do not be in a hurry to discipline; for the child is not able to receive, he cannot listen rationally, and he is easily provoked. This is also the time when flesh confronting flesh most easily comes in: he raises his voice, you raise yours louder — and so the rift only deepens. When children are in turmoil, never confront flesh with flesh. You only need to quietly call upon the Lord; he will calm down sooner or later, and once he has calmed, then ask him: "What just happened? Was that right?" As long as you ask in love, he will answer — and answer correctly — and then you can lead him in confession and prayer.
Don't be hasty — you cannot do anything with someone in a frenzy; apart from prayer, you can do nothing. This is also why we do not encourage saints to pass out gospel tracts at the night-club, or to preach the gospel in defiled places. Men cannot receive — especially when in a frenzy, when their whole self is the outburst of flesh, how can he calm down to listen to holy words? Better to wait — when he has let it all out, when he has come out, when he is empty, then you can find him.
The principle is the same: when we come to discipline our children, we cannot deal with anything at the peak of their turmoil. Better to wait, to pray more, always seeking the Lord to manage. Do not let the turmoil itself bring danger to their life. Once he has calmed down, then we need to discipline.
8. Use praise, expectation, and encouragement to replace blame, demand, and punishment.
We must do all we can to encourage our children, to praise them. Praise him: "Your prophesying — Daddy was so moved." Encourage him: "You did poorly on this test — no matter, keep at it. Let us pray. As long as you study earnestly, there will be no problem." Always encourage him — but do not encourage him recklessly; from deep within, hold hope over him.
9. The father and mother are united before the children in stand, principle, and direction.
In this way the children will not be made to slip through the cracks between father and mother's different principles, developing the unhealthy habits of trying to please both sides, avoiding accountability, finding loopholes, evading discipline, etc.
V. The Parents' Service-Fellowship
1. Caring for the children is to serve the church; therefore there must be a regular service-fellowship.
2. Pray together with one accord for the children's spiritual blessing, and seek together.
3. In many things, fellowship out many common principles; avoid different methods of discipline, lest this give the children the habit of fleshly attachment.
4. The common principles fellowshipped out must walk according to the truth.
5. When instructing, base your teaching upon a common feeling, and let the children feel the parents' inward heart and the Lord's great love.
This is to say that the parents' principles and stand are united. This is very important — never let the children find a crack between father and mother. There will be some matters Father will agree to, and some matters Mother will agree to. Some matters Father is too strict; some matters Mother is too strict. Once the children sense that the standards of father and mother are different, they will develop the habit of fleshly attachment — that is, the habit of finding loopholes. We must guard against this. This will preserve the purity of our children: what is wrong is wrong, what is right is right, what is good is good, what is "no" is "no" — there can be discussion, but the discussion must be with father and mother together. Many times my children would seek out their mother; but they all knew — whether asking for permission or not, Daddy and Mommy will discuss with each other before answering. If, when the result has not yet come, they came to ask again, you could see they were anxious; but they knew that the "elders' fellowship" had not yet been worked through, and so the church could not yet make a report. So there is no crack — once the elders' fellowship is finished, there is no need even for further discussion. This lets the children grow up in the right environment, avoiding fleshly attachment.
— End of Message Two —